Crud. I had Michelle Branch/Santana stuck in my head all day too.

You roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
You guide me
Divide me
Into one...who...

Going through the motions, walking through the part... And I can't even see, if this is really me, and I just wanna be ... alive.

Okay, those were lyrics too but I thought if I cleverly (*sarcasm,sarcasm*) disguised them as normal text they might make it through the tuning-out-lyrics-filter.

This is weird. I feel like I have nothing to say to you, which is downright odd because I am still spending my day noting down things of amusement to me, phrasing them perfectly and trying to remember them later... for you.

I hurt, still, and not because of self-blame, now I just hurt.

This is ridiculous, I should be babbling about how former-melty-hair-boy kind of smiled at me today and how, even though I sent my resume out for another job yesterday (in a fit of "Oh I should leave, this job is too tiring" [read:I haven't seen fmhb in 2 days so I'm bored]) I don't know how I am going to ever bring myself to leave (Me on phone "There will never be hair like his again! Neeevvveeeeer!")...

Or, or I could be babbling about how the janitor(-who-asked-me-out) spoke to me again yesterday, and how today I found out his english isn't as broken as I thought it was, although that doesn't change things at all... hello I do need some intellectual stimulation (or at least someone with really nice hair [as above]).

Or, and here's a good one, I could be ranting over how for a few instances over the past few days I've had maths guy thoughts in passing consisting not of "I wish maths guy were here so I could slap him for all the stalking," but instead of "I wish maths guy were here,"

Yes, yes I have completely lost my mind. And I'm not sure how much of that is boredom and how much is me...is me... is me wishing ... I'm not sure.

But instead none of this seems to matter when I sit down here. When I get here I feel numb because I stop going through the motions, especially now when I need the motions more badly than ever.

Last night I stayed up til 4am reading some book. It was like book-wormy old times.

My abusive relationship with food has taken up again, this time on the side of binge 'n' gorge.

Every other thought somehow manages to incorporate SmartGuy into the plot.

Ever other other thought is twitching at the thought of university (if I did pass this year I am sure I will only ending up trying harder to fail next year [and then totally breaking down when I do])

And under every thought is just some weird semblance of pain. Like I'm counting the days til everybody leaves me, because I wholly expect them all too.

It's why when a little rip in a relationship forms I don't try to repair it. I expect things to break. I expect people to go. Because they always have. Because I must deserve it.

I know I sound twisted. Half of me thinks that maybe everyone is messed up in similar but different ways. The other half ... is a mess of teen angst.

Oh no, not that horrible monster. One of my arch nemesise...ses.

Tell you what, I'm going inside now to try to drown my troubles with a big bowl of strawberry icecream.

I used to think I was getting better but now I realise that I'm just replacing my demons with different ones.

Except they all take a strikingly similar form...

Okay I really do suck at self revelations, and am gone.

<< >>