2005-04-30 - 8:45 p.m.
Today I went to a friend's wedding.
In his speech the groom talked about how before they were together, he had a dream where they were in love, and when he woke up he was really upset because he thought it could never happen.
I can suddenly see actual meaning in the term "made for each other".(Yes, I'm a gigantic girl, but we already knew that.)
The whole affair was just, utterly, utterly adorable. I wonder, if ... I'll ever have that?
Pointless wonderings. You never can tell what's around those sharp corners.
The last few days have been very ... internally turbulent. Today in the quiet, a natural sense of balance has kicked in.
Are you seeing the entirely dull/insipid/uninspired entry I'm coughing up? This is why unangsty babs is no fun. Perhaps less annoying, but also less eloquent. She's kinda happy though, so be glad for her.
Today she realised she's not afraid to try, not afraid to risk, and she finds joy in that.
I don't really seriously think I'll ever get married. And yet at the same time, I went a wedding. And to be a wife. And a mommy.
pesky inner feminist: how could you, a female who supposedly has a brain, let society precondition you into wanting that?
me: like you're really the unbiased one in this situation. You're implicitly devaluing the worth in such roles.
pesky inner feminist: ...
me: YEEEAH! take that bitch!
pesky inner feminist: how very dignified of you.
me: I won I won I won!!!
At the wedding, me and my girls were standing around going "well, at MY wedding..." and so to humour myself, I'm going to imagine how I'd have it, 'cos it's probably the closest I'll ever get to actually having one; so let's all just pretend the entry ended here, on some particularly witty note that I'm thoroughly uncapable of finding ... (oh god, "uncapable"?? yesterday I was so
tired stupid my first attempt at spelling "now" was "knoe")
I'm arriving in a horse-drawn carriage.
Ceremony outside in the afternoon, in a garden or park somewhere, with a celebrant, close friends, immediate family.
Reception inside, or perhaps under a marquee, in the evening, and with more extended family/friends; with a live band and a dance floor as well as many mix cds of all the terrible songs I love.
Bridesmaids in sky blue, me in a simple white gown, lots of flowers and bubbles everywhere.
A photographer who sneaks around and takes natural photos, because I think it's inappropriate to spend the beginning of a new life posing.
When my dad walks me down the aisle they'll play "Ave Maria" (although perhaps some rocked up version), because my mother once said she wanted that, and I don't think she'd be around in the hypothetical land of then, so at least she'd be there in spirit.
For the first dance between the bride and groom I want "Heavensent" by Killing Heidi played, partly because I'm not really one for the romantic ballad, partly because if we get the version where she unidentifiably croons "with my ass out on the line" I'll giggle about managing to get the word "ass" by everybody.
There will be dinner, with the insane croatian number of courses (approx 6 at last count) although probably different foods that we like. The only other touch of croatianness will be the collecting money ritual -- people give the couple envelopes of money, and they down a shot of plum liquer (rakija; 30% alcohol, yum) together. Oh, and maybe the girls pinning flowers on people ritual, where people as they enter get a flower pinned on them if they give a donation of their choice, usually it's like $5 per person.
There will be an obscene amount of cake. Different tiers with different flavours.
And that's about it. Aside from the obvious I'm neglecting.
The groom would adore me as much as I adored him (read: a lot) and people would give speeches about how we were made for each other, and it would be an extremely happy day, for everyone involved.
I'm such a sop.
On the bright side, eloping and getting married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator? Just as appealing, if the groom's right.