2005-05-31 - 1:57 a.m.
pain cuts down your ability to distract yourself... brain has no choice but to gurgle and splutter to life, and indulge in thought.
you could think about anything I suppose, but I don't. I think about me. It didn't used to be that way, but now it is.
I think about the pain. I think about what the pain is keeping me from. I think about every colour in my life which is a shade or two or a million off where I want it to be.
uni is the splinter I have learned to tolerate.
work is the splinter I have not learned to tolerate.
thus each spawn their own irritating thoughts.
house is my shame.
body is my shame.
I accept these but forget them.
thinking is about realisations, but not conclusions.
I realise that I am in the place I so feared when I knew it was coming. my mother is almost gone but for her body, and I don't... notice anymore.
It feels like the end of a horror movie, where everything has settled and the killer seems dead, but we know he will strike again.
I realise that I should accept that the boy I fell in love with, the one who fell in love with me, isn't really here anymore.
I just get so confused. Because I know he still feels ... something for me. And because I am perpetually blindsighted by thoughts of him at random but oh so frequent intervals. Wishes to suddenly find him in front of me so I can wrap my arms around him, safe. Urges to call him up just to say "you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
But I can't.
I feel crazy, to still feel this way when he doesn't seem to; while everybody's silently pushing me to move on.
But I can't.
You think about "can't"'s more than other things. They itch and they defy and they demand your attention.
Whereas "could"'s manage to blip under the radar. I could clean that up. I could quit my job. I could study for my test tomorrow.
Ahaha, that's right, test tomorrow. I'm going to go and pretend to give that some thought.