I'm feeling a little... is there a word for the feeling you're left with when your almost lifeless body continues to drag itself over really painful gravelly pavement?

No?

Dang.

Hours upon hours upon hours of time with mother. Move to the left on the escalator mum, mum move to the left, mum, left. I can't claim those because they've already been claimed because see, we have no reciepts. No, that's not a reciept, they look like this and are gone because they've already been claimed, yes, I can tell because we have none, mum, listen.

Over and over and over and over and over... I think we're averaging these non communications 3-13 times per hour. And though my patience is pretty good it's by no means inexhaustable, and then sometimes I'll lose it and that just makes things harder and I feel so bad.

And my father is no help, he lectures her and stresses her out and I am left to counsel her and calm her down. The other night they apparently had an argument because he was convinced that thirty thousand was more than a hundred thousand (or so my mum understood; of course it isn't but he's been stressed lately and his grasp on english leaves much to be desired sometimes) and mum of course didn't agree but he convinced her she was wrong and made her think she was already losing her mind and made her cry.

And I'm the one left to pick that up, I'm the one trying my hardest to be patient and make allowances but no one else is so she is stressing out just as much.

And earlier tonight she confessed that her head has been hurting on and off for awhile now; it's probably just a side effect from her medication but she was worried that her brain was shrinking.

Because that's what it does in alzheimer's disease. But I told her it wasn't, that it only did that slowly and you wouldn't be able to feel it.

You wouldn't though right? I don't know. I wouldn't have thought so. But I don't know. I'm only 19 and I have no one to help me out here, I'm staying the hell away from the social worker since the last time I saw her the things she said left me a wreck for weeks. My family is being useless, so, useless.

All I really want is for someone to step in and sort out my life for me and then hand it back and say "There you go, now just try to keep it together," and things would be dandy. Or even just someone in the family to share this with, to say hey this is really tough but don't worry we'll face this together. Or even someone to just say I will always support you and I believe in you and love you and no matter what I'll always be there.

But no one can really give me that kind of guarantee or even any of the above.

Even my mother, before she started losing her mind one neuron at a time, couldn't have given me all of that.

My hair is falling out, I'm losing sleep, my immune system dies at regular intervals, and I keep eating constantly to try to make my taste receptors block the feelings out.

I'm starting to wonder if fate has pinned a sign on my back saying "needs therapy" while I wasn't looking.

I just need someone to give me enough strength to continue on and maybe, maybe if it's at all possible, to cope.

Am I just being melodrama queen? Sometimes I wonder if I would have been happy if this had all never happened. And the answer is, probably not. Happiness hasn't been my style for such a long while, so can I really blame the events of this year for it continuing to elude me?

But if I could change things now I would be so happy, there would be dancing and twirling in the streets... But I can't, and so there won't be.

Tell me a way to make things okay and I'll do it, because I'm trying my hardest to find one but I'm walking in circles and getting nowhere.

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