2002-10-09 - 5:07 p.m.
I walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
My mood is way beyond a little hazy and I'm not sure if I'm down or just going that way, but if you care to stick around maybe we'll find out.
In other words, bugger off if you want.
Nothing's happened to upset me, I attended 1 of 5 lectures today.
Partially it's a SmartGuy thing (which I hate saying, it makes you all want to hit/trip/run him down some more)... He used to be a distraction but now he's just a reminder.
Half-life-half-life-half-life...
It's not that I feel very empty or meaningless, although there is some of that in there (you'd think I would have used up that quota in highschool but noooooo).
Sitting at the bus stop waiting for a bus I'd managed to miss two of while being just across the street (!), trying to let the cold numb everything out I realised... in a parallel universe I can see myself happy, living... and I got the distinct feeling that I'd grown up completely wrong.
This isn't me and I hate her but I don't know anything else.
And not so deep down is the strangest most desperate wish that something would completely rip me down, that someone would make it their mission to destroy me because at least then, then maybe I'd rebuild into something different...
Just give me something to recover from. I hate this twisting in a shallow grave feeling. I hate these minor cuts and injuries which make me listlessly writhe for weeks at a time...
In other words, if you love me you'll break me.
What a thing to say. Heh... abusive relationship. Bring it on.
The worst problems of all are the ones chocolate cannot solve.
