2003-01-06 - 9:17 p.m.
Sitting here, staring at the screen, slapping my leg with a ruler for no apparent reason, just as something to do.
Me and being easily entertained have so obviously sunken to new depths.
Was in the city today. Now have tickets for tennis (huzzah) as well as books to read and tops to mess up.
I bought the complete idiot's guide to nutrition, as well as a book on how to recover from being a sugar addict (I was attracted to it because it has donuts on the cover... mmmm... donuts). I started to read the sugar addict one but put it down because I had the overwhelming need to eat raspberry frozen yoguhrt.
Probably not a good sign.
But, I'm trying, which is a start, which is good. Better that than an ending.
I was in lincraft too, looking at fabric related things to help me mess up some cheap tops I bought.
My wardrobe is too big already, I know, this is just for my own personal amusement.... I am absolutely no good at using my hands, but my mind works occasionally, so I like to try (try hard that I am)...
Walking around the city is good and bad. Today was all crowded like. Drowning in anonymity always a yay, but today somehow not so much.
I don't see guys in real life. I walk right by them and some notice me and I pay less than no attention, a fact which baffles those who know me.
The truth is, I only see the girls.
I almost wish I meant that in a lesbian way so I could be cleared of having negative thought patterns. But no.
All day, I kept catching myself assessing them. I want that hair. I want that smile. I want those legs. And that stomach. God, how I wish I had that stomach.
Almost every night I go to bed wishing that in the morning, tabula rasa, the slate would be wiped clean. New body, new face, new personality, new life.
It isn't healthy, I know that. My mind needs a lot more cleansing than my body does. I'm trying my hardest to make the best with what I've got. I know I might have more than some... in the grand scheme of things.
I feel like it all sounds like exaggerations, but if you could feel how much I justifiably hate me you would understand.
It's just a shame that I can't explain it to you.
I'm okay. And I didn't mean to come here. Ignore the above while I go and get a sugar fix.
... I should probably finish reading that book.
Me and being easily entertained have so obviously sunken to new depths.
Was in the city today. Now have tickets for tennis (huzzah) as well as books to read and tops to mess up.
I bought the complete idiot's guide to nutrition, as well as a book on how to recover from being a sugar addict (I was attracted to it because it has donuts on the cover... mmmm... donuts). I started to read the sugar addict one but put it down because I had the overwhelming need to eat raspberry frozen yoguhrt.
Probably not a good sign.
But, I'm trying, which is a start, which is good. Better that than an ending.
I was in lincraft too, looking at fabric related things to help me mess up some cheap tops I bought.
My wardrobe is too big already, I know, this is just for my own personal amusement.... I am absolutely no good at using my hands, but my mind works occasionally, so I like to try (try hard that I am)...
Walking around the city is good and bad. Today was all crowded like. Drowning in anonymity always a yay, but today somehow not so much.
I don't see guys in real life. I walk right by them and some notice me and I pay less than no attention, a fact which baffles those who know me.
The truth is, I only see the girls.
I almost wish I meant that in a lesbian way so I could be cleared of having negative thought patterns. But no.
All day, I kept catching myself assessing them. I want that hair. I want that smile. I want those legs. And that stomach. God, how I wish I had that stomach.
Almost every night I go to bed wishing that in the morning, tabula rasa, the slate would be wiped clean. New body, new face, new personality, new life.
It isn't healthy, I know that. My mind needs a lot more cleansing than my body does. I'm trying my hardest to make the best with what I've got. I know I might have more than some... in the grand scheme of things.
I feel like it all sounds like exaggerations, but if you could feel how much I justifiably hate me you would understand.
It's just a shame that I can't explain it to you.
I'm okay. And I didn't mean to come here. Ignore the above while I go and get a sugar fix.
... I should probably finish reading that book.
