I'm feeling this strange kind of torn, where I can't decide whether to feel good or horrible, so have settled on a smiley kind of horrible.

Horrible's a winning.

Things happen and things are planned and although the plot fluctuates the tone never changes ... I don't understand.

I shouldn't be feeling like this, really, it's just the Maths Guy (guilt) and Stalker Lady (paranoia) situation has me dragged down. But who am I to argue myself out of a mood?

Good day today, lost in a haze of endorphins. Was the ultra perky checkout chick, because of express lane love and generally pleasant customers. This meant that I wished people a nice day/night and meant it, that when my supervisor came and offered me a tea break I refused, and that at one point my fingers went so fast on the touch screen I accidently caused the computer to momentarily crash. Oops.

Also, spoke to former-melty-hair-boy! Okay technically all I said was "Hey," and shortly after "Thanks," but I tell you... I'm working my way up to a sentence!

Well maybe. Afterwards as I was leaving the store I was so dazed I didn't even hear someone calling my name at first... I think I caught it maybe the third time. Looked up to see Angie, a colleague checkoutchick friend wave.

I think we have a mini-wave whenever we see each other thing now. It's cool.

Last night was a 3u English reunion thingy at Tracy Lady's house. It was good to see people again, good to catch up. Felt like we'd never been apart mostly.

Underlined by violent insecurity. It's not the people individually, but in a group like that I always feel I have no place and my sense of identity melts until I am barely coherent.

I know people wouldn't think it but I can often form logical sentences ... just never when I want to. Maybe I need someone to teach me how to speak. And then after that how to sit and stand and walk and eventually think so I'd never have to worry... this may be a syndrome which is going around...

I had expected to be more smug over the whole "hah, highschool misery is over," deal but instead seeing Tracy Lady reminded me of the misery and made me ache over the past a little.

And even as I watched her speak I was so transported back into what is now past, the many occasions of panicdom in her office and her listening to it... and strange to say, despite the undeniable misery (no, I can't find another word) of it all I missed it.

Trusted venting spaces, she was one. And Maths Guy another. I know now how much beyond a mistake that was. But still ... I notice now how deprived I am of the venting space, people who let me breathe... I always had them in my life at one time or another and it's only now I am pained to find myself totally without... except for you, I suppose...

I don't know. It's like something has awoken me and I have found that I'm not breathing. It's disturbing and painful but still I'm smiling and meaning it. So confusing...

Do adults ever stop being teens? I've started to imagine that adults are just teens with different levels of crap, but they're so immersed in it they can't even acknowledge it as the crap that it is.

... But, you know, maybe not.

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