2002-12-24 - 10:46 p.m.
I'm back, this Christmas eve thing is somehow torturous not because I want Christmas to be here, I just want this whole thing over already.
It used to be a date to get to, and now it's just another one to get through. I feel as angsty as I did doing my hsc exams -- no, scratch that, I feel worse, I remember there being singing and maybe even skipping during those exams...
I feel crap. A little because my total amount of presents under tree = 1, and am outnumbered greatly by my mother, which is just odd. A bit more because now that I'm older the tables have turned and it isn't about getting, it's about giving, and I realise I have nothing to give. And a lot because I can't help the ones I care about. I can't help the ones that care about me. And I can't be bothered to tell the ones who are pretending to care to bugger off. If you think I'm looking at you there chances are I'm not, but if you don't think I am then I probably am.
I'd give anything to be confronted with a barrage of relatives who I know care. All I'm getting are a selected handful who I trust in varying degrees and who are suspicious of each other, which will probably make tomorrow nightmarish at best. It's going to be a struggle to look after my mother, and try to keep her forgetfulness and constant stressing from my brother and sister-in-law.
Sure, they didn't notice it before, but her 'sudden' weight loss and her looking deathly thin at the wedding has got their guards up, so that tomorrow won't just be a struggle, it will come darn close to impossible, and I have a deep down feeling that things are set to implode.
So I'm awaiting tomorrow with deep anxiety, but I'm okay, because I know there are people so much worse off in the world than me, and even if my life is a painful mess I'm lucky to have it.
People who have lost people. People who have never had people. People who are or have been denied their basic human rights.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas. It mightn't be a pleasant day for all but I hope you will think twice before dismissing the gifts that life has given you just because of the pain that sometimes accompanies it.
And if you don't, well ... if you see some girl with mussed up hair, screeching like a banshee, running towards you ready to bash you to death with a heavyish roll of wrapping paper, well, that might just be me.
Or else, you know, some other freak.
But seriously ... appreciate things, otherwise I guarantee life will bring you grief.
It used to be a date to get to, and now it's just another one to get through. I feel as angsty as I did doing my hsc exams -- no, scratch that, I feel worse, I remember there being singing and maybe even skipping during those exams...
I feel crap. A little because my total amount of presents under tree = 1, and am outnumbered greatly by my mother, which is just odd. A bit more because now that I'm older the tables have turned and it isn't about getting, it's about giving, and I realise I have nothing to give. And a lot because I can't help the ones I care about. I can't help the ones that care about me. And I can't be bothered to tell the ones who are pretending to care to bugger off. If you think I'm looking at you there chances are I'm not, but if you don't think I am then I probably am.
I'd give anything to be confronted with a barrage of relatives who I know care. All I'm getting are a selected handful who I trust in varying degrees and who are suspicious of each other, which will probably make tomorrow nightmarish at best. It's going to be a struggle to look after my mother, and try to keep her forgetfulness and constant stressing from my brother and sister-in-law.
Sure, they didn't notice it before, but her 'sudden' weight loss and her looking deathly thin at the wedding has got their guards up, so that tomorrow won't just be a struggle, it will come darn close to impossible, and I have a deep down feeling that things are set to implode.
So I'm awaiting tomorrow with deep anxiety, but I'm okay, because I know there are people so much worse off in the world than me, and even if my life is a painful mess I'm lucky to have it.
People who have lost people. People who have never had people. People who are or have been denied their basic human rights.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas. It mightn't be a pleasant day for all but I hope you will think twice before dismissing the gifts that life has given you just because of the pain that sometimes accompanies it.
And if you don't, well ... if you see some girl with mussed up hair, screeching like a banshee, running towards you ready to bash you to death with a heavyish roll of wrapping paper, well, that might just be me.
Or else, you know, some other freak.
But seriously ... appreciate things, otherwise I guarantee life will bring you grief.
